when will the darkness go away
when will the dark shades of sorrow leave me be
initially a hades, a subterrain pit of despair
what once gushed of roses, daisies and lillies, of love expectant and joyful, now simply reeks. 
I
I gave you my elements, I'd never before dared to fully share. Albeit, still shallow compared to the me that's left to be dispensed.
I thought it was you. 
You were the future love I once prayed for.
A naive me thought even a second with you would be enough. 
but I took a transient hope and attached myself for the long haul. 
I saw our precious brown babies, our lives intertwined into one.
embraced your culture, excitedly accepted that which was once foreign. 
I saw me as your rock, on whom you could without doubt lean. I was proud to be yours.
You once told me "you're mine" and that made me gleam beyond measure. I belonged, to you. Finally treasured.
I had doubts, I didn't want to give credence. 
no title but commitment, things that do not align. 
aside from the vacancy I sought to gorge, I actually fell for you not just your presence.
it was more than two souls good on paper - there was magnetism. being with you was anxiety and excitement morphed into one heightened state of euphoria. 
when I broke,
when we broke,
when I broke,
I searched the world for a fix.
a healing, a shaman, a ritual. anything to bring me back again
to you.
I scoured the lands of the levant,
shed tears on the space the savior departed, cried out prayers in sacred shrines for a mending of us and my heart
our heart
your heart?
I tapped into crystals and sage, pleaded with the universe
to save me
save us
save you?
dove deep into spiritual texts, a minute by minute, second by second struggle just to get through each day. 
I sought to fix me -
it's me. 
I blamed me. I blame me.
Fought demons from childhood's past
and in the process I found that when there was us parts of me loved you more than me.
How pitiful a creature am I to have loved you more than myself?
to have put you and your needs above me and mine?
to still love you and want to try to save us?
save me
save you.
Is it that to save me, I must save us?
was I looking for me in you all along?
just as with him, the earthly him who fertilized the seed that grew into me,
he/you were enough for me but I wasn't worth the fight for either of you.
You both walked away and didn't look back
even amongst my actions to try to hold on
nails scrapping, skin cracked and blood exposed.
not a glance, even Sodom and Gomorrah got more. They turned to dust but you kept moving along.
And so my self worth took one mighty fall. I lost me in you and I'm slowly uncoiling my being. 
The recognition of my faults, my contribution, my loss
my pain
our pain
your pain?
doesn't make me not want to recommence, to try once more. 
I've talked to God above and within,
harnessed spirits, saw the dark depths of my sorrowed soul. 
Life got worse after you, so much pain
pain
pain in one year. You left me alone to deal.
I would've been there for you.
I learned that love is unconditional. I love you, you don't love me. I pray for you daily, you don't contact me at all. Part of me will always want you, none of you will hold on to pieces of me. At least that's how it feels.
I qualify that in hopes that I'm wrong - to avoid creating experiences I don't want. 
I've found me I think?
and me loves you
wants you
has the desire to fix
us.
I'm not interested in others. it seems I may never see anyone else given that I still see you. you're my gaze but who's yours?
purgatory.